Parenting Resources


Source of information and resources for parenting a child at risk for ADHD, addiction and antisocial behavior. Your child may be at risk if anyone in your family has any of these disorders

Although this deals with Australian law, there is still a good deal of information and research articles detailing why shared parenting doesn't work in conflicted families.

This article has been composed largely from my professional experiences over many years in child protection work and child/family advocacy, from the contributions of professional colleagues, and from the personal testimonies of mothers and children who have been subjected to domestic violence and abuse.

9 comments:

  1. I am recently divorced from a sociopath after 20 years of hell. My 2 children struggle watching a once strong woman fall into deep despair. He has been able to paint a picture to everyone that all that has happened was solely due to me. His manipulation is profoundly mind-boggling. My story is long and painful. My heart and soul have been torn out of my body by the legal system and societal judgment. Justice does not exist in these types of cases. Telling your truth labels you a crazy troublemaker. I am told I must be "civil" to my rapist, I am told "cut him a break", I am told I cannot speak of my pain to my children even though they see it everyday and he does it to them. These people must be stopped, somehow. I have gone to many professionals that have no understanding of this disorder. Our marriage therapist "denied" I was suffering verbal/emotional/financial abuse and asked me "what my part was in this?" I dumped the therapist but the ex continued as he had found yet again another source of narcissistic supply. Sympathy....that he was the victim. I don't know that there is any way to "out" these types of personalities without a concerted effort by the mental health industry to provide the public with yet another "checklist"...and have it be as commonly known as we know the signs of a heart attack. My N is an expert victim...and I was the perpetrator. My final words on my experience and it's what I am teaching my children.....If you feel it in your heart, there is your truth. Your heart will never lie but your head can make up lots of stories.

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  2. Wow! The above description of the stupidity of the family law "system" in which the "best interests of the children" are put in last, NOT first place is well put. My story too is a long and painful one, seemingly very similar to so many others sadly. I remain thought of as an overzealous troublemaker by school principals, CAS, counsellors, lawyers and judges who all question my right to advocate for the best for my children, whom have relied on me SOLELY to provide emotional, financial, physical and mental support since their birth while their father was totally and completely disinterested, drank, loafed, golfed and depleted the assets of his family. Now HE's the victim and insisting that I "alienated" him from his children?? The "professionals" in all their wisdom either are too scared or too stupid to recognize that he alienated HIMSELF which is why the children don't want to see him. Who says that a 7 year old can't make a decision about who they want to spend time with and who is hurting them? Shame on all of these "professionals" who, with one breath state it's "all about the children" but in another, state that they have absolutely no decision-making authority and are tantamount to little robots who should be "controlled" in thought and emotion! I'm told to "be nice", but the Biodad is being told (indirectly) that he can get away with hitting our children, defying court orders, slandering the mother, lying to the children, ignoring their ongoing (1 YEAR now) cries for their mother, and denying phone calls and access, all without so much as a hand slap for putting the children LAST? What a GREAT system! Our children will certainly NOT be thanking all involved in our case who have thrown them essentially to a wolf that they have NEVER spent an afternoon with prior to litigation and who they have clearly told several witnesses they DON'T want to spend any significant amount of time with, but are being told repeatedly that "the adults make the decision". How empowering to them at this overwhelmingly emotional time to be told that they don't matter, nor do their opinions, pleas or FACTUAL STATEMENTS count! My question is "What if one of the parents has the emotional aptitude of a 5 year old??" My whole case has thus far, been ONLY in the best interests of my lawyer's wallet and our "honorable??????" judges' incredible arrogance and egotism.

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  3. I think my custody battle has been different from most others and hope that someone can learn from mine maybe. I pretend that I don't know he's a sociopath and instead focus on his actions. I try hard to be patient and constantly give him rope to let him hang himself with. I try to be reasonable and keep going into court saying I want us to have joint custody, but I need the issues to be resolved. I have asked to use various tools like getting a divorce specialist to work with us, using family wizard, etc. He refused any of these and won’t provide any solutions of his own (of course because he doesn’t want resolution) but I keep trying and the more I try, the more others in the court get annoyed with him. As for our child, I have learned that I can’t protect her from him. What I can do, is make sure she knows I love her unconditionally. I work with her therapist and recommend getting a therapist for child and yourself – find a good one and they will resolve some of the issues. Her father and step-mother have done everything they can to alienate me. However, my daughter’s therapist has taught me what to say/do and is making the alienation better. That’s just one of a handful of things the therapist can help with. I am currently fighting for sole custody, because now I have lots of “his actions” to show the courts (example: the courts tried to help me get phone call privileges and know that he just won’t give them to me). It took 4 years of me being patient and going in-out of court asking for help with basic things and now showing the judge that he can’t be helped. In time, judges get frustrating if they keep ordering things to help, but it becomes clear that one parent is the issue.

    My advice to anyone – forget the label and focus on the actions - what the court can do to help you. Focus on asking for solutions – ask to use things like familywizard, therapist, family counseling, parenting time coordinator, file show causes, etc. In time, when the judge realizes (on his/her own) that they can’t fix the father – they will take further action. Also, remember, that when you give up something for your child – he won’t and your child will be smart enough to see that one day. While it hurts your child, what he is doing to them – you can off-set it by providing a loving, great home for them and just being there when they need someone. The good can sometimes overshadow the bad and kids are smart – they know who is there for them and who sacrifices for them.

    I hope this helps someone – I know that my road is a hard one to take, as I have had so many frustrating moments, tons of text wars, email wars, etc. but in time – I learned to basically surrender, smile and know that no matter how good of a manipulator he is – in time, others will see it. Just like Shawshank Redemption – smile, try to enjoy life and know that in time – you’ll chip away at the wall.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, I just read the above message and I think I wrote it last summer, but don't remember it for sure. If I didn't write it, it's exactly what I would say. One year later and after a 2 year long custody battle -- I got sole legal and physical custody of our child. Even though it hasn't resolved all of our issues, I am confident that the courts see what I know. I never had to put a label on him, but the judge wrote a 33 page opinion and order and the judge listed all of the ways he is harmful to our daughter. He does still get visitation, but it's a lot less then he had before and now that I have custody - he can't really ask the courts for much. He has lost a lot of his power.

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    2. Thank you! I've been dealing with CrAzY for 15 years - have kept parenting time logs, notes, emails - all in hopes that one day, many years of patience, it will pay off. I want so badly to justify what is going on and to explain it - but I can't - the statement to forget the label and focus on the actions hit home. I am in the process of working with an attorney to file for custody and full decision making powers - I am going to redirect my efforts and pull together the facts w/out a label. Thank you!

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  4. We agree with you Anonymous June 9, 2013 at 3:55 PM. The courts are NOT about the truth, they are about who can best act, so take acting classes. Nobody knows the sociopath as well as you do, provoke him innocently. He will hang himself if you allow him enough rope to put the noose around his own neck. your doing a great job!

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  5. I also want to add my voice here... as crazy as it is, it can hurt the case to try to label them. After all, my ex was DIAGNOSED and therapist recommended he be supervised until he resolves his issues. Judge gave him alternating week custody(50%) and joint legal anyway.

    I have followed countless other cases across the country and the bottom line is that without substantial drug and alcohol problems, the child wont be protected unless you happen to draw that rare judge who actually gives a damn.

    The sick part is losing those years of the child's life- CRITICAL developmental years! I study and learn and implement techniques to teach empathy, altruism, and kindness while giving as much physical affection as I can. Responsibility is another big area. We must parent harder than everyone else to counter balance the sociopath's corruption!

    Focus on the actions, but don't forget you need to tie that to how the child is harmed.

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  6. Is there an advocate specialising in how to counter sociopath in court? Ex has abused me kept me from going home to america the kids cant travel at all or see american family...i am isolated with total responsibility. He has taken everything but kids and today i found out he is gunning for full custody. He is a deadbeat and refused to have them more than 15% of time...dragged me thru court saying i was insane...stalked my family on facebook and blatantly projected all his sickness onto me to them to try to cause rifts (he never met them by the way
    ..this was years after i crawled away from him to try to live...)...i cant lose my kids. They will be destroyed as will i...the real goal of his bizarre vengeance.

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  7. I have never come across an attorney who really understands this personality disorder. At best, they assume you are up against a "bully." Honestly. Let him continue to be a deadbeat. I would make sure you document, document, document. Dont go into court just saying how he only sends 15% of time. Have calendars, notes etc. to back it up and add credibility. I hope you have access to legal aide or an attorney. You're going to need a LOT of help if it makes it to court. Sending you a big hug and lots of prayers!

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