Tuesday, August 20, 2013

What God and Rap Sensation M&M Teach Us About Fear

Joshua 1:9 says, “ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Don't be afraid, or dismayed. For the Lord, your God, is with you whereever you may go.”

Why is it so hard for us to listen?
In talking with many of you over email and comments, I have noticed that- while our cases differ in some aspects- we all share the same paralyzing fear for our children. I'm talikng about gut wrenching, heart ripping, vomit inducing, imobilizing terror. It's not just we are afraid we will lose custody (although we are) but rather the flabbergasting possibility we will lose our kids to a sociopath.

When I was first served with papers telling me that the sociopath had filed with the court asking for custody, I thought: ya right. He doesn't know anything about my son. He's endangered him, abused him, neglected him, and a mental health profesional has stated he shouldn't be alone with the child. I had pictures, audio recordings, and witnesses. He will never win.

Then I began doing online research and discovered that these monsters do win- and frequently- in family court. The terror set in- far beyond any fear I felt previosly for the safety of my son or myself. I lived in a state of mental numbness, willing to accept any amount of abuse for the sake of proving that I wasn't interfering in a relationship between the sociopath and my son.

When the sociopath didnt show up for a scheduled visitation, I called him and voluntarily rescheduled. When he didnt call my son the talk to him, I would have my son call. I made my son give him gifts every father's day, birthday, christmas. I voluntarily shared every holiday, splitting the day evenly between us. I exhausted myself bending over backwards, trying to facilitate a relationship the sociopath didn't want to begin with. And neither did my son. Every contact resulted in added trauma, resistence, and distress.

I was so afraid, I over compensated. By the time trial rolled around, I was tired and fed up. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I broke out in a nervous rash. I started smoking- a lot- to deal with the stress. I thought no one has ever felt this level of fear before- I'm alone. Even my therapist questioned why I was trying so hard to promote a relationship between this sick, sick man and my son. Why? Because the court is going to expect to see that. I have to show the judge- it's not me, it's him.
I handeled fear poorly.

 I don't listen to a lot of music, but I can see a similar fear in the lyrics to one of M&M's songs. (Including getting into court and pretty much forgetting everything I had prepared for- thank goodness I remembered where I lived). How many of you can relate to this?

“His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,
But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,
The whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up, over, bloah!”

Im curious about the level of fear you felt in dealing with the sociopath in your life. Is there anyone out there that was capable of obeying God's command to not be fearful? How afraid were you? What coping methods did you use during periods of intense fear?


  1. I can. Only we know what it is we are so afraid of because we know the person, we have paid attention for our own survival. I give my fear to God over and over. I pray for his will to be done in all of what is going on.

  2. I was exactly like you-bending over backwards to accomadate him. It was not until oldest daughter went into a deep depression I realized I was doing more harm than good for them. Now I am getting ready to take him to court to shorten any extended visitations. For the first time in 15 years he decided to keep them for 1/2 of summer andit was pure hell on the kids. In the past 4 months since researching socio-paths and anti-social persanality disorders I have had several lights go off in me. I am done and I am fed up. I only communicate with him via text and no longer split any of my holidays with him. I stricly follow the parenting time guidlines. I pray alot not only for me but for him too. I have my children in therapy, purposely scheduled for the monday after a weekend visitaion. Things will never be GREAT but they are getting better!

  3. It is funny, because I STILL find myself bending over backwards, then have to stop, regroup, and remind myself Im NOT going to keep doing that. My son has been out of therapy for awhile, but I'm in the process of getting him started with someone new. This time... a forensic therapist that will testify in court.

  4. I just went through this. I was trying to protect my boys and change the custody from 50/50 to standard. He sat there and lied on the stand, made all kinds of promises, fake cried (without tears, pinching his nose with his fingers)... such a ridiculous display. But the judge bought it, despite video evidence of neglect. I couldn't believe it! And in fact, now we are ordered to attend co-parenting classes together. I am so disgusted with the legal system. But I will never stop protecting my kids. Ever. One day I hope they will see the truth and choose to be kind, empathetic men.

  5. This site is unfortunately true what we go through and outside people can't grasp. I know there is no hope for them to change and no medication to cure them. In fact many times they even fool shrinks along with the judges and convince them we are crazy. There are other ways to deal with them. Many times he gets discouraged by the many super boundaries I put up and seeks elsewhere for attention. After a while they stop the behavior if there is no pay off but it does take a bit of time. For example he constantly rang my phone until he realized I was never going to pick it up. Then he tried to harass me through the children's phones which I never acknowledge either. If the behavior does not give the result they want most times they stop. I have found the legal system does not care and won't acknowledge these cases for what they are. I tried to get the legal system to help but have not so far been successful in achieving less visitation. However, I intend on continuing with other methods, such as having a "date" here when he picks up the children so he drops them off early to ruin my "date".

  6. What great advice, I love the "letting him ruin your date" thing! and, I bet it works too!