Saturday, November 10, 2012

Sex with a Sociopath? What the Hell Was I Thinking?

His approach in seduction is through pity.

It never fails- I walk into my attorney's office, exchange pleasantries, and out pops the question that everyone is dying to know, “What the hell were you thinking when you picked this moron to have a child with?”

That is always followed up by, “All I can say is that the sex must have been great”!
Here's the truth:

  1. He's not handsome (although he used to be when he was young)
  2. He's not rich
  3. He's not a good person
  4. He stinks- literally- like something dead
  5. He doesn't dress well
  6. The sex wasn't great

If you think I am being harsh or petty- well, let's just say you don't know my ex. When you are 20 years old and look like Antonio Banderas, you can get away with not taking a bath for a few days. When you are pushing 60 years old- it's just gross.

I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what my attraction was to this man. In my heart, I know that I was a sucker for rescues. That has worked to my detriment in the past. The sociopath had a good sob story about being abandoned as a child and mistreated growing up. I felt sorry for him. He had no one to love him. But I had never understood why, until recently.

A lot of people think that sociopaths have a super human ability to attract women (and they do). Naturally, this observation often leads to an assumption that the sociopath has amazing powers in bed; a sexual prowess. Not in my case. In fact, the sociopath talked about sex a lot and bragged on his sexual ability, but in reality he had a very low sex drive.

This weekend I had the opportunity to read “The Mask of Sanity- An Attempt to Clarify Some Issues AboutThe So-Called Psychopathic Personality” by Hervey Cleckley, PhD. It opened my eyes, oh so much. I thought my sociopath was just a little different from other sociopaths. It turns out he is exactly like those described in the book.

Cleckley's Answers on why a sociopath is a chick magnet:

“His ability to alarm and to draw out protective impulses in women is remarkable. Superficially he gives the impression when with them of a dashing and somewhat predatory male. He is not entirely without ambition as a lover and actually seduces some of his protectresses. His approach in seduction is, however, nearly always through pity.
This case well portrays the astonishing power that nearly all psychopaths and part-psychopaths have to win and to bind forever the devotion of woman. Because of this they are often regarded as vigorous or romantic lovers, as men of peculiar virility. I believe, however, that they are seldom as well endowed in this way as the average man.
Feminine intuition senses that here, concealed beneath an appearance of maturity, is a baby or something very much like a helpless, crying little baby. Her deep instincts to nurse and to protect this winsome little darling are unconsciously called out. The superficial relationship of woman to her lover conceals this fundamental urge. She longs to take this defenseless creature, hold him to her breast, guard him, shape him, and let him grow up under her protection. Her feminine intuition, which so accurately divines the presence of the spiritual baby, fails, alas, to understand that it is a baby who will never grow up.”

Ding ding ding ding ding! No more pity relationships- never ever again!
p.s. The link takes you directly to the book, which you can read for free


  1. Yes, BEWARE anyone who tries to make you feel sorry for them! Especially men who use their kid as a way to gain sympathy or support!

  2. Once I turned off the "pity" and began holding him responsible for his actions.......he turned into a raging monster. His mask came flying off and I saw him for what he really is....empty, frightened and scary. I learned to not let a word he says into my psyche as he is a master manipulator. He knew just how to melt my heart...I kept myself trapped by believing him. The best advice I have is this: WATCH what they do...DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD they say....because their words and actions will never come together. Mine always had an excuse....don't believe it. TRUST your own instincts. Move Forward as if he doesn't exist. It's the only way. Demand No Contact....their psychic energy is powerful and overwhelming. If I had known how my divorce would play out, I would have taken my kids and run. That was advice I got from other women divorcing these types. Just run, run away as far and fast as you can. The Courts have become militant over fathers rights....they are creating the next generation of angry, controlling men and supporting those efforts. Then spend time healing yourself and your children....lots of it.