Friday, November 2, 2012

K.I.S.S. And Tell: Fight a Sociopath and Win!


I have to laugh every time I check my analytic's page. Especially the keyword phrases that people use when searching for information on co parenting with a sociopath. Don't misunderstand- I'm not laughing AT them. I am laughing at the absurdity of the fact that ANY of us are having to learn how to co-parent with a bonafide sociopath. Unbelievable.

That being said, I have personally been put through the ringer trying to figure out how to convince a judge that my ex is a sociopath. You would think that a psychiatrist testifying to the fact would be enough. NOT.

I have worn the search engines out looking for information about how to beat one in court, how to win against them, how to protect my child from one, how to testify against one, how to explain ASPD to your attorney, and how to co-parent with one. The answers are hard to find.

Here is what I HAVE figured out about winning a battle against a sociopath: It is possible and it isn't that hard. I have developed a theory I call K.I.S.S and Tell. So, far it has been working for me. Here is how it works:

K.I.S.S. stands for Keep it Simple, Stupid. Sociopathy is hard to explain to someone who has never lived with it. The traits are not. Predicting the impact on a child isn't hard either.

Q: How do we tell a judge a sociopath is bad for a child? (Again, laughing... it is sooo wrong we should have to do this, duh!)

 A: Tell him about morality as a predictor for future criminality and values as an ability to instruct and inspire the child in preparation for becoming an asset to the community BUT don't throw a label onto your ex.

After all, aside from the abuse and neglect that our children must suffer now, our biggest concern is the impact a sociopath will have on their future. (I am not minimizing abuse and neglect, but I am avoiding it. Bringing this up in family court is an almost guaranteed way for a mother to lose custody- even if the sociopath admits to it and even if you can prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.)

If you run into court saying your ex is a sociopath and he tries to make you look crazy, then the judge WILL think you are crazy. The ex will snicker and laugh and say, “see, I told you she was nuts!” Emotionally detach yourself from your case. If you focus instead on proving a pattern of behaviors and painting a picture for how this will impact your child, you will come across as grounded. Judges like grounded.

I highly recommend the book “Teaching Right from Wrong – 40 Things You Can Do To Raise A Moral Child” by Arthur Dobrin. It is all about how to raise an ethical child- which a sociopath knows NOTHING about. It is also a valuable blueprint for telling a judge what your child needs and how you can do it better than a sociopath.

So, try to keep your case simple. Complicated equals confusion. Sociopaths thrive on confusion.

and tell. What is a sociopath's ONLY FEAR? The truth being revealed. Do tell about what has happened in your life and the hell that your child is going through. BUT be clear that you can separate the past from the future. The reality is that in the current court environment, you WILL be forced to co parent with the sociopath. If you suggest anything less you run the risk of losing your child to the sociopath completely.

I used to keep my mouth shut about the abuse. I was embarrassed. Now, I tell every chance I get. Once people hear it they start noticing things on their own. The sociopath hates it, which triggers his issues and causes him to make a fool out of himself. I made the mental shift from victim to survivor and people are starting to see through his act. Me telling has caused him to sabotage himself. He is not winning anymore.

I believe in K.I.S.S. And Tell because I tried it the other way and I LOST. Then I learned that I was not alone. Thousands of mothers and children go through this very thing. The more outraged against the injustice we become- the harder we fight to reveal the truth – the tighter the noose around our neck gets. In this way, we mothers have a LOT to learn from corrupt father's rights groups and perhaps from sociopaths as well.


  1. i totally agree about keep your emotion out of it. if not your doomed.good advice

  2. I appreciate this post but am curious...Your ex was diagnosed and known to the courts as a sociopath. What do you recommend (reading/research) as tactics to help in a custody battle when trying to convince the judge you are the better parent without getting a psych eval for the Narc/Soc spouse? My husband is too good and will pass an eval. My therapist said not to go there because it's a waste of time an energy. He is the worst Narc/Soc she has ever known in her 40 year career and extremely convincing. KISS and Tell works to explain patterns and cause weakness in Narc/Soc but my attorney thinks it might be too weak a case to get more time-sharing with the kids. My husband wants 45/55, not 50/50 which gives me slightly more time. Should I agree and move on or fight? Fight how?

  3. I wrote the prior post in March....can anyone please help? Please send advice!!!

  4. I think only you know what is best for your kids. BUT agreeing does have an advantage. It ensures that you are the primary residential parent, making it harder (but not impossible) for him to take your kids away. You also have a legal advantage- the burden of proof for modifying visitation (should you need to ) is lower than that of changing custody. I would weigh that against the risk of losing custody. It sounds like your attorney is pushing you to settle, so I would also wonder how hard this person will fight for my children in court. Good luck in your battle and keep us posted

  5. Get the book "Splitting; Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"- by Bill Eddy- a lawyer, mediator and social worker. He trains you how to present patterns to the court and explains the difference between presenting "emotional facts" vs facts. Also...get a lawyer and take your time, if possible.

  6. People need to realize mothers too, can be psychopaths/sociopaths. It seems most of these stories are told from a female perspective and while I can appreciate that, we have been in litigation against a female with these same issues for years. I wish the courts WOULD wake up to the problem, regardless of which parent is perpetrating the behavior.

    1. You are so right ! The court system is always in favor of women sadly ... It's disgusting !

  7. When my husband and his ex split, we immediately became enthralled in a huge nasty custody battle. And i say "we" because i felt that whatever he had to fight was also my fight. His ex started off ok and he received weekly visits, but after a couple months of that and then realizing that they were done she exploded into a monster.
    It started when she accused my husband of sexual abuse against their 3yr old daughter and began coaching her into telling police and therapists that it was true. And to our surprise, it seemed at the time that everyone believed her!!!!!
    we were floored about how blatantly she could lie about something like this. She was in court in tears in front of the judge, and i thought to myself, "my God, if i didnt know any better, i would believe her!" she was that convincing. We both knew then that we were in a fight of our kids lives.
    This battle raged on for about 3 years, in the midst of their son being in a horrible car accident, and then her abandoning them, and then coming back, and then continued with the story of abuse.
    We kept a detailed journal about it all with signed wittness. My husband opted for supervised visitation to avoid any more allegations of abuse and further coaching of their daughter. and come to find out every time my husband has contact with her, his ex would take her to the ER for a SANE exam. and she was only 4 at that time!
    luckily we had a judge see reason. she eventually got entangled in her own lies and their daughter could not even keep her story straight.
    We also had a home study done, and it recommended that my husband be awarded sole custody with her only have supervised visits.
    And that is exactly what the judge did, its been that way for 6 years now, and she has never changed. we are some of the lucky ones. others do not get so lucky.

  8. I am finding this to be helpful. I am dealing with a very dangerous sociopath who has to an extent, been successful in destroying me. I say to some extent, because I am still here and I am still standing... which believe you me, is a miracle. I am working on a book... I have considered a blog. It is very difficult to bare all and expose your raw self, faults and all. It is a fight I will fight for as long as I have to in order for my son to be safe. Thank you for posting... I knew I wasn't alone... Unfortunately.

  9. It's funny since we always talk about "father sociopath" but who talks about mother sociopath ? Trust me they exist and they are as dangerous . they actually use their mother rights and just be honest the court system is all about women's . it's a different beast to fight ... My husband and I have been fighting it for 6 years now . Everything you suggest in your text been tried and it just doesn't work . it is to the point where I am scared my step son won't come back one day and worst police , court , children and youth doesn't care . the best interest of the child Its all lies !

  10. Is there any way to contact you via private message, I could really us some help and this seems to be the first article I have come across that makes sense. thx ;)

  11. I am also dealing with a dangerous sociopath who I am being forced to joint parent with. It made no difference that he was caught in lie after lie in court. I have spent $40,000 in lawyer fees over a year and a half, trying to protect my son who was two at the time of separation. I now have no choice and am forced to agree to it or risk losing my son. Judges are playing god. Do you think I would go this far in debt if it wasn't scared to death for my child's well being.