Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Blame Game: It’s All Your Fault, You Are Alienating the Child

A sociopath possesses two traits that make it particularly difficult to co parent: his sense of entitlement and his failure to take responsibility for his own actions. Last week, I got a big dose of both of these. Unfortunately, our son is the one who has to pay the price.

Most people know that little boys are especially attached to their mommas. This is especially true when she has always been the primary caregiver and there was domestic abuse in the home. Some children seek emotional security by attaching to special blanket or teddy bear. I have always been our son’s “attachment object.” He has always resisted separations from me, and the custody arrangement has only made it worse.

Most parents know that young children don’t adapt to change very well. A good parent deals with separation issues by introducing changes gradually, and fostering a child’s sense of security by ensuring frequent and close contact with the parent the child is attached to.

The sociopath refuses to acknowledge this. He considers our son’s attachment to me as a rejection of him as a father. He refuses to consider that what our son feels is healthy and appropriate for a four (now five) year old child. In his mind, it is a competition between us- one that he loses… and it makes him very angry.

The sociopath does his best to refuse our son contact with me during his week. He plays games with telephone contact, denies any requests the child or I may make to see him during “his week”, and rejects the child if he says anything about me. The sociopath father threatens the child by saying he is going to kill me, tells him that my lifestyle is bad, that he is no longer a baby and needs to toughen up, that his mommy makes him do girl things and will make him a sissy, and that his mommy uses him.

So am I an alienated parent? Well, that was the sociopath’s goal. What happened instead is that his strategy has backfired miserably on him. The sociopath can’t break my bond with my child, no matter how hard he tries, because it is built on a solid foundation.

The child now refuses to acknowledge the father if he is with me. He tells him to go away, that he doesn’t want to see him. The truth is that children are not stupid. Our son knows that when he is with mommy, he is safe. Mommy lets him call or see his dad anytime he wants. He gets to come home to the house, bedroom, and pets that he has known since birth. He resents his father for making him leave.

Who is responsible for this turn of events? Well, of course I am. At the most recent exchange, he tells our son that he has been brainwashed by mommy and that mommy is using him. Then the sociopath tells our child that I wasted HIS life and that I am having an affair! Now the threat: the judge is going to find out about my lifestyle and what I “am doing” to our child very, very soon.

Of course, the real kicker to this is that he has completely fabricated all of it. I tell our child that his daddy loves him and that he can’t say hurtful things about people. I encourage our son to call his dad and to say hello to him when we see him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my lifestyle… I AM NOT involved in a romantic relationship with anyone, so there are no boyfriends or sex in my home. I spend my days writing, researching, cleaning house, taking care of the animals, cutting the grass, and going to church.

My life is, and always has been, about caring for the wonderful child I was blessed with. Parental Alienation is a serious charge that is almost always leveled at mothers in the context of domestic violence issues. Stay tuned for more on this in the next post.


  1. While my relationship never became violent, and I got out VERY early, I see so many similarities in our stories. Different, but similar. I've been questioned, disblelieved, challenged, ignored, etc on stuff as trivial as why I changed diaper sizes to thing as major as having him on a feeding schedule. At the heart of every one of these discussions is how I'm trying to keep DS out of his life.

    Nothing I say. Nothing I explain. Nothing I do. NOTHING gets through to him. I'm now communicating solely thorough email. THAT really set him off. I feel for you. I've been dealing with this for nearly year, starting when I found out I was pregnant last October, and there have been times when I thought I was bonkers. I can't imagine what the next 18 will be like.

    1. Europa, you make a very good point about communicating through email only. My ex can't use a computer, so i type or hand write all relevent information and hand it off each week at the custody exchange. It is actually better NOT to engage them in conversation, becuase they will "misunderstand" what you are saying. Written communication is proof of what was communicated.

      Sociopaths and other personality disordered people will NOT accept any responsibility for their behavior. The thing is that many, many mother lose custody of their child when the "father" claims she is trying to keep him out of the child's life. It works. Pointing out everything you do wrong is just another way to get under your skin. You are no doubt in for a long haul, but sociopaths can't keep it together very long without slipping. Be aware that children are at a double risk of developing antisocial personalities- through genetics and enviroment. I have had to learn to focus on parenting skills that address this. So far, so good. I have a sweet EMPATHETIC and sensitive little boy. See my parenting resource page for more info. "Parenting the At Risk Child"

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  3. Yes. My soc ex and his soc wife began finding fault with everything we do for my child, from shoes to big, leggings too tight, i am too harsh with my discipline or nit harsh enough, we don't feed her enough or it is not proper nutrition. She spilled hot water on herself and of course I should have taken her to emergency room instead of the treatment we did, they even went as far as putting a meat thermometer in our homepacked school lunch 3x one week (yes they went to her school on our time). They sent me a letter stating they would be taking over her lunche
    s since I couldn't get it right stating unsafe temperatures.