Friday, July 13, 2012

Do Sociopaths Love Their Children?


One of the most confusing aspects of my custody battle was figuring out if the sociopath really loved my child. He said he did. In fact, he took every opportunity to tell the world how much it hurt him to be away from his son. The psychologist who performed his mental evaluation (and diagnosed him as antisocial) even stated that he had no doubt that the father loved the child deeply.

I wasn’t so sure. From the very beginning, it was clear to me that this father never wanted my child. He said that he wished he had forced me to have an abortion. He argued against my pregnancy by saying that things were going to change and he wouldn’t be number one in my life anymore. He refused to take any part in caring for my infant son, even to hold him, because the child “couldn’t talk and interact with him.”


Oh, Those Pesky Red Flags

Early on, there were instances of neglect and endangerment that I believe was intentionally crafted in order to keep anyone from asking him to help care for the baby. During this time, I worked full time and the father didn’t work at all. My infant son would be left in his crib all day, left in filthy diapers all day and left alone in the house while the father ran errands. Of course, I stopped holding him responsible and my sister picked up the slack for the next two years. She babysat even when the father was home and could have cared for my son.

Eventually, this progressed to sadistic behavior. The sociopath father began hurting my son when he thought no one was watching. It began as pinching him just softly enough to make him cry, then hard enough to leave a bruise. Since my son wasn’t old enough to talk, I wasn’t sure that this was happening; until I caught the father red handed and he admitted it, but claimed he was doing it for discipline.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when the behavior progressed to him hitting my son across the back with a leather cord. The blow was severe enough to leave lash marks about two inches above the top of the diaper. I photographed the injury and told the father that if he didn’t seek professional help that he had to move out.

Defining How Sociopaths Love Their Children

That is when I discovered how sociopaths love their children. Faced with the threat of being forced to leave (we were not married and I owned my home), he became obsessed with my son. All of a sudden, he wanted to start taking him places and sleeping with him at night. He professed his love for his son to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. The problem was that my son wanted nothing to do with him. From abusive and detached to an overwhelming need to “be with” his son, almost overnight.

I know beyond any doubt that sociopaths do love their children. It isn’t a healthy or normal type of love; instead, it is self-serving and all possessing. It is a scary and sick type of love that closely resembles narcissistic supply. Of course, all sociopaths are narcissistic- but more on that later. He uses my son to gain sympathy and support from whomever he can, as a vessel to try to fill up the empty void inside of him.

The best description I have ever read was written by another sociopath who runs a blog called Sociopath World. He says,

"The closest analog to a sociopath's love is probably the love of a child: intense, accepting, selfish. And finally, like a child, the sociopath will be extremely loyal. A sociopath will never put you above himself, but he will readily put you above all others.

Love Fraud also has some very wise words pertaining to how sociopaths love their children: they may take such an interest because their real agenda is to turn the child into a “mini me“, or do as much damage as they possibly can. They can:

"Deliberately try to corrupt a child through inappropriate or dangerous activities, such as pornography. When sociopaths are involved with children, always be on guard.”

With the sociopath, everything is about him. His feelings, his needs, and his wants are the only reality. In the process, he takes all that he can in an effort to validate his existence. This is why they are so often called emotional vampires. They take and take and take until they finally suck you dry. No child should be forced to endure this.

Read Part 2: Sociopath Love Isn't Love


  1. Sociopaths see their children as nothing more than objects. They feel the same way about a child as you or me do a garden hose. Usually they only want to see the child or spend time with them to hurt the other parent or to manipulate or control. I could go on and on. If u co parent with a sociopath hopefully they will lose interest and move on to a new target. That is the best case scenario. But sociopath only goal in life is to win. They have no feeling. They are incaple of love. The have no conscious. Feel no remorse. And are very very dangerous people. Lying is as easy as breathing to them. They are convincing and always have an escape plan when confronted. Sociopaths, are evil. They destroy your reputation, your self esteem and try to break you down. So stay strong.

  2. kellycarby you hit the nail on the head- it sounds like you have dealt with one of these predators firsthand! It has been 8 months but the sociopath in my life uses my child as a means to maintain control. He barters contact with my son in exchange for whatever he is wanting. Example: I can call my son during his (the sociopaths) week if I put him on my pool pass. I am going to have to "earn" the right to babysit my son during the sociopaths visitation, and so on. The difficult part is that the sociopath puts on a convincing case in front of outsiders in order to pursuade them that he is a doting father. Then behind closed doors he tells our son he is going to gut me with a pocketknife and throw me into the river if our sons tells anyone what is happening! You are right- they are dangerous and we need stronger laws to protect children and victims from their abuse.

  3. I married a sociopath less than three months ago and later learned that I conceived the day after the wedding. He began the torment later that afternoon and I had left him within five days. After learning I was pregnant, I gave him chances for another five weeks of torment with hopes that my child might have a real father if only therapy would work. It didn't. My sociopath claimed to want children very much, but was not happy when I told him I was pregnant and told me to shut up when I talked about the baby. I was excited to talk about the baby's development, name ideas, plans, etc..., but he said he was sick of hearing about it. That was confusing from someone who supposedly wanted kids! During our insurance companies' open enrollment periods, we decided his insurance was better and he'd put me on his plan and I'd decline my employer's plan. I learned a few weeks later that he had never put me on his plan, so I am now stuck with no health care for pre-natal care or birth. I'm also out several thousand dollars from an ER visit after he assaulted me. This is a guy who cares about his unborn child? Never. He almost killed us then tricked me into giving up health care. He has refused to pay a penny to help despite my five weeks of pleading. I finally gave up after he attacked my other son viciously. Sociopaths aren't capable of loving anyone--including their own children.

    1. I am praying for you. You are in a horrible situation and a very dangerous one too. I know how easy it is to fall into that trap of thinking that THIS time, he will do the right thing. A sociopath never will. Dont trust him and never let your guard down. I hope that you, your son and the baby have a safe journey in 2013

    2. I don't accept the narrative that a sociopath can't love his child. I am a divorced guy who married young to a girl that I was with and what I thought was in love but wasnt. I admit, I lack emotion and even more, The ability to fein love for an extended amount of time. We have a son. Although I admit that I am self centered and seek out my own satisfaction every time I can, that doesn't mean that I don't love him and I have been responsible with raising him. I never missed a child support payment or any other bill that my ex said that was on his behalf. Sociopaths can still have a sense of responsibility and pride. My situation is that I don't feel the need for a relationship and find the idea of a steady one very boring and dull. I am the type of guy that takes chances and don't care what the odds are against me and don't care who it affects. I don't feel remorse for anything I have ever done...I hate being around people who claim to be victims. Just remember, being a sociopath isn't a problem until it leads to criminal behavior...we are everywhere. ..This isn't personal! Maybe I'm a different breed. I can't see why I am reading stories from a bunch of women who are disappointed in the sociopaths behavior after they dated or were naive enough to have a kid with him and honestly thought it would work out! Really, who is the fool here? My advice to you, trust your insticts.Stop putting all of your hopes in someone else and telling yourself that you can mold him into the man you want. See people for what they are, not what you want them to be! This is advice from the type of man that will only give you grief...That doesn't mean that I am wrong or evil, I'm just honest..

    3. i want to thank you for the reply. It's interesting to hear a viewpoint from a self proclaimed sociopath with a child.
      I do want to clarify that the narrative does NOT say sociopaths don't love.
      It does say that the love isn't a normal, healthy, nurturing love. And the main concern with true sociopaths is corrupting the child to not only criminal behavior, but immoral values as well.

      The goal, the true endgame, to child rearing is to produce young adults that are productive members of society, while achieving success and happiness in their interpersonal relationships as well.

      The men AND women that usually find themselves involved with sociopaths don't go into the relationship knowingly. Naive? Most certainly. But most don't stay that way forever.