Wednesday, December 26, 2012

King of Lies: A Sociopath Sure Knows a Lot About Denial




Just before Christmas I received Nimrod's response to my contempt petition. I was absolutely floored- although I shouldn't be- to see that the sociopath had the audacity to deny the allegations. I know for a fact he has been suspicious that I am recording our interactions and surely Nimrod has warned him of the possibility. Most interesting though was his admission that he does limit the telephone calls between my son and myself. His reason? My calls are "interminable."

Funny... I am quite sure that the sociopath does not even know the meaning of "interminable."  Here he stands accused of not facilitating a relationship between the mother and the child, yet actually complains about my calls being endless and especially wearisome. What the...? I can't wait to submit my telephone records showing how "interminable" a three minute conversation is.

The sociopath filed a counter complaint stating that I conspired to have him charged with aggravated assault against a witness in the case. He even pointed out to the judge that the case was brought out of retirement because the order was violated. I can promise you that I do not, nor have I ever, had enough pull in this county to have the sociopath falsely charged. If I did, he would be in jail for stalking and threatening me.

I am now certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that if the sociopath gets gas, it will be my fault. Nothing new with that scenario. Here is a reality quake for you: The sociopath is hauled back to court by the district attorney for violating his court order in a case that I am in no way involved in and I am harassing HIM. A normal person would be horrified that the judge was going to find out that a court order was violated. Nimrod is creative, I will give him that.

The sociopath is also now asking for sole custody with me having visitation 70 days a year. That is rich... I offer him 163 days, every holiday except Easter, and to share every Christmas with him  and he counters with "GIVE IT ALL TO ME". I am certain that this is stage 2 of making good on his threat: "if you leave me, I will take your son away from you."

I am also accused of not participating for court ordered joint counseling- a complete lie- and hiring an unethical attorney to represent me on appeal. Really? We are going to point the "ethics" finger at each other?  Gotta appreciate the sociopaths determination. I don't know how this will all play out, but I suppose if it comes down to it, the judge will hear for himself the sociopath doing all of the things he has formally denied. In the meantime, I plan to stay my course and make every moment with my son count.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Protective Mother Commits suicide after losing her 9 month old daughter in a vicious custody battle complete with e-bullying - MyDeathSpace.com

A Port Orchard woman committed suicide after losing her daughter in a vicious custody battle over her 9 month old daughter.

Kodi Hawthorne, of Port Orchard, had been her daughter Ryah's sole caregiver for the child's entire life. Upon being served with a paternity suit by her daughter's father, Tyler, she arrived in court originally requesting that the father be allowed visitation with his daughter as long as he took his required medication for bipolar disorder, as he had a violent and abusive history.

In the months that followed, a series of character attacks began against Kodi to prove her an unfit parent. She was portrayed as a drug user and abusive parent, despite passing drug follicle screenings and providing pediatrician letters that confirmed Ryah had been a happy, healthy, breastfed infant in her mother's care.

During the court process, Tyler's Myspace pages would cryptically declare, "She is MINE." Hawthorne's residence was stalked and bricks smashed through her window while her daughter was in her care. When attempting to get a restraining order against the father, she was denied.

After passing the necessary hurdles in court to maintain her custody, she was served with paperwork accusing her of raping a 14 year old boy she had lived with and for whom she had provided after school care. Before her rape case was proven or closed, Hawthorne's daughter was then removed from her custody, placed with the father and Hawthorne was given 18 hours of supervised visitation a week.

Despite attempting to assert her visitation rights before her custody trial scheduled for November of 2010, she was consistently denied said visitation by the father, who now had custody. Hawthorne reported her lawyer of Port Orchard had also received threats not to let a supervisor be approved for Ms. Hawthorne to see her daughter.

A study done by the Virginia based American Judges Foundation found that in 70% of challenged custody cases, abusive parents are successful in proving the victimized parent unfit.

Having been given only 2 hours of visitation in 3 weeks, Hawthorne entered a deep depression and consistently received threatening and harassing text messages from "anonymous" emails and phone numbers who she had asserted were from Tyler.

She had been threatened to be arrested to for child rape charges and "thrown into jail" in order to never see her daughter again. The threats, depression and loss of her daughter became too much for Hawthorne, who ended her life in a Kent hotel room on April 8, 2010.

Further investigation with detectives revealed no such rape charges were ever going to be filed, as evidence was not enough to charge Ms. Hawthorne in her rape case. The case mirrors the bullying case of teenager Phoebe Prince, although Kent detectives state that in Washington "a crime has not been committed."

Coincidentally, on Mother's Day 2010, almost exactly one month after Kodi Hawthorne's death, a march of hundreds of victimized parents held a silent vigil at the White House to protest the broken American family court system that removes children from protective parents.


Kodi Hawthorne (26) committed suicide after losing her 9 month old daughter in a vicious custody battle complete with e-bullying - MyDeathSpace.com

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Denied Supervised Visitation and Child is Murdered by the Sociopath

Tonight I am truely horrified to find out that another child is dead due to our family court system. I first became aware of Cappuccino Queen through her posts on Love Fraud. I never knew much about her story until a friend posted a Facebook update that her son had been killed. She too fought a rough child custody battle. The judge basically told her that unless she brought the child in with cigarette burns on him, there was no way he was going to believe that the father was abusive.

Rest in Peace Little Man


Here is what she had to say about it, "I could choose to walk away and try to forget all of the painful memories, but to walk away from this story and this cause would also be choosing to walk away from my baby boy. That is not a choice any good mother would make. This cause is bigger than me and Prince and, unfortunately, we are now faces in a sea of other people whom the justice system has failed.

When I first heard that my son was dead, I wanted to die with him. I vividly remember contemplating jumping into the grave and laying next to his tiny casket. That seemed like the easier option than staying here on earth and continuing to fight. After laying in bed for at least a week, crying myself to sleep at night, and nearly dying from an inability to eat, I remembered a promise that I made to Prince as I sat beside his open casket and read to him for the last time. I promised him that I would always fight for him."

How many of us have made that same promise, to fight for our child no matter what? I know I have, as I held my son in my arms listening to him sob over being hurt. At least my child is alive. This mother won't get another chance to fight to protect her child.

Death of Toddler by Sociopath

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

In Child Support Court With the Sociopath.... Again and Nimrod is Back



Monday marked my 527th (just kidding but it has been a lot) appearance in court with the sociopath. This was the final reset for the hearing on his request for a downward modification of his child support. I originally opened the case with the child support office on February 1, 2012 for two reasons:

  1. The sociopath wanted to pay weekly his child support obligation whenever he felt like it. He never fell more than 3 weeks behind before he would suddenly “catch up”. Since he always did pay before the end of the month, it wasn't enough to file contempt on.
  2. The sociopath refused to mail me his child support checks. He had to deliver them in person. That would have been fine, except he refused to just hand them to me like a civilized person- he had to throw them at me- or on the ground at the bottom of the steps to the front porch. As if that wasn't aggravating enough, he also refused to write my name on the checks.

My solution was to make it the state's problem. On February 9th- eight days after I opened the case AND 5 weeks after the custody trial- he filed to have his child support modified. As you know from earlier posts, his support was set on the income he testified to in front of the judge.

The state was representing HIM since he was the one who requested modification. I had my attorney with me, representing my interests. The hearing was delayed due to the appeal several times. In November he showed up with a new attorney and they reset the case again for December 3rd.

He never showed up. His lawyer never showed up. My lawyer moved to dismiss the case, the state had no objection, and that is what the judge did. So for now, I get to keep the support for my son.

But... Nimrod is back. He has agreed to represent the sociopath in the contempt action I filed. It appears that Nimrod had no intention of letting the judge get a preview of things to come.



Friday, November 30, 2012

Update on the Sociopath's Contempt of Court Charges


The contempt of court indictment I filed was a thirteen page document that detailed the dates and times of 66 violations of the court's order. It includes a charge of perjury in the original case. The Sociopath has called on Nimrod to defend him, once again. My attorney emailed me this morning to let me know that Nimrod called her last night to discuss the case.

Apparently, he has not decided yet whether or not he will be on board. The sociopath is due in his office today to discuss the matter. He did say that if he takes the case, he will want depositions and a trial date. It is interesting to me that Nimrod would even consider representing him after having to deal with him over the other two matters.


I am referring to his clients uncanny ability to lie, plead ignorance and make excuses for his criminal conduct. Here are some of the things that he has dealt with:
  • After winning the initial custody hearing, my attorney had to contact him about advising his client NOT to be stopping at my house without permission during my parenting weeks. Nimrod responded by sending the sociopath a letter telling him he can not do this. He went on to stress that if the sociopath does not understand, to take the letter to his “friend", SDP, and have her explain it. He further tells him that if he is questioned about it to state, “Mademoiselle, I have no idea what you are talking about.” In other words, to lie. How do I know this? The sociopath showed me the original copy of the letter- thereby waiving his attorney-client privilege in the matter.
  • One week after the initial hearing, the sociopath assaulted a witness in the case who testified against him. It was minor and the person is now okay, but he was charged with an aggravated offense because he used his vehicle as a weapon. The district attorney retired the case for 11 months and 29 days on the condition that the sociopath did not violate the restraining order. Two months later, the sociopath failed to follow the court order (shocking, right?). The case was returned to active status, then retired again under a new restraining order. Nimrod threatened the sociopath that if he violates any more court orders, he will have to hire a different attorney.
  • The sociopath has placed Nimrod in an ethical dilemma. You are familiar with the child support issue I blogged about previously. The problem is that it caused Nimrod to commit “Fraud Upon the Court” when he argued in appeal upholding the sociopath's original testimony. Nimrod is now guilty of failing in his “Duty to Candor” to the court (at both the trial level and the state appellate level). Can I prove it? Yes I can, beyond a shadow of a doubt.
  • When the sociopath told me that I was going to have to earn the right to see my child- the one I had raised alone up until now- he specifically stated that Nimrod advised him to do that. He also said that Nimrod told him he was within his rights to limit telephone contact between my child and myself. This was both in front of a witness and recorded. Did Nimrod do it? I am not sure. The sociopath is a habitual liar, but considering Nimrod's past unethical conduct it is certainly likely to be true. Regardless, his own client's testimony that he did is preserved as evidence against him.
 

I am still waiting to hear whether Nimrod will take the case or not. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I am prepared to defend every single allegation with solid evidence to back up my testimony. I am also much better prepared to expose the truth about Nimrod- officially and on the record- and to defend myself against his gas lighting techniques.

An interesting side note- The sociopath and Nimrod have not been on the best of terms lately. In order to help convince Nimrod to take the case, the sociopath flew his ex girlfriend (who is a devoted disciple) from across the United States to here in order to help him manipulate the lawyer into representing him. I can't wait to hear if it works.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Teaching a Child that God is a Bad Guy: Are Sociopaths Demons and False Teachers?


Warning: CONTAINS RELIGIOUS CONTENT! I believe wholeheartedly in compassion and tolerance. It is not our place to force our moral judgments on others. However, I do believe that at some point we must draw a line in the sand. There must be a clear boundary delineating what we believe to be morally just. I am not talking about bigotry- being defined as an attitude that promotes one's belief system to the extent of treating others with hatred and intolerance.

I am referring to a personal choice to worship God and Jesus as the higher power. I am a christian. I am not going to apologize for this, nor am I going to sweep it under the rug. If you happen to be of a different faith, know that I am not judging you. I have made my own mistakes in life and I don't think I am better than anyone else (well, except for the sociopath, if I am being completely honest here). I am merely expressing my own beliefs as they relate to the topic of my blog: co parenting with a sociopath.

*********************************************************************************

If I had a dime for every time I heard the phrase, “Mommy, why does daddy say God is a bad guy?” I would surely be living in the lap of luxury. However, on a deeper level, it greatly disturbs me that the sociopath chooses to attack both my faith and that of my son. After all, what GOOD father would object to his child being taught not to steal, lie, or harm others?

The obvious answer is that a sociopath objects because if he takes an interest in his child at all, it is only for the purpose of achieving self gratification. Corrupting his child against decent moral values achieves this goal since it puts the child's belief system in line with his own. Which in turn provides another little human who validates the sociopath's sickness as being normal. “See, I'm not terrible- our child agrees with me, God is bad.”

It has turned into an outright battle for the soul of a little one. Luckily, we are surrounded by a wonderful group of people in our church. No matter what the sociopath tries to say, my son relates church- and God- to positive experiences. Most of them are unaware of the fight we face, they are just genuinely good people.

My son likes bible study. He believes in God. He equates his father's insults on church people as being insults against him. He also struggles with understanding why God let his daddy take him away from mommy. I too, have endured my own struggle with my faith during this process. It made me curious about what the bible says about sociopaths. Here is what I found:

Romans, Chapter 1, verses 28-32

... being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, and unmerciful.”

Hmmm.... describes the narcissist and the sociopath very well indeed. According to the study reference, the verses contain one of the most complete lists of sins throughout the bible. In society, we may rationalize some sins, but God judges all sin.

2 Timothy, Chapter 3, verses 1-9

... For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud blasphemers, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, brutal, dispisers of good... from such people turn away! For of this sort of people are those who creep into households and make captive gullible women loaded down with sins... “

The translation here is a warning, in particular to women, that these men will will use deception in order to win them over. Women are the target of these attacks by false teachers. The danger is ignorance. Paul instructs Timothy to teach the women so that they don't become victims.

However, women who are targets do not get a free pass. The victims of sociopaths are not immune from taking responsibility for their actions. We are responsible for educating ourselves about these predators and not falling for their lies.

1 Timothy, Chapter 4, verses 1-2

... Some will depart from from the faith, giving heed to the deceiving spirits of demons... speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron...”

Although the reference here is not to losing salvation completely, but rather a failure to be obedient to God, we can still see how the sociopath effects us on a personal level. As victims, we fall for the lies and ignore our own conscience.

A very wise friend pointed out that God didn't "allow" the socioath to waltz in and gain shared custody of my son. He doesn't "allow" the sociopath to abuse my child. What God did "allow" was for me to make a choice to have a relationship with this man. He "allowed" me the free will to turn a blind eye to this man's traits.
 
Now I, and my innocent child, are paying the price of my choices. Accepting responsibilty for my own part in this  drama has been like a bulldozer in my life. It cleared the path for me to be able to move forward with a resolution- one that doesn't entail me sacraficing my son to the sociopath. If my choices led me here, then hopefully with God's wisdom I can tackle anything.




Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Friends of a Sociopath: In a Country Full of Blind People, The One Eyed Man is King



A Hungry Ghost is a ceature of Chinese lore. They were once greedy and jealous humans who died under a curse. Their spirit takes the form of a being with a pinhole sized mouth, long thin necks, and huge stomachs.

They are forced to roam the earth in search of fullfillment, but are anatomically unable to attain it. Both their mouth and neck are too small to allow them to eat, yet their enormus stomachs are always begging to be fed.

A frustrating aspect of my custody fight with the sociopath is his ability to get people to stand up for him in court. Granted, they have nothing to testify to other than hearsay, but still....

My sociopath isn't brilliant. He isn't cunning in his ability to manipulate or lie. He is frequently caught. I suppose he would be what is referred to as a “low functioning sociopath”- except he isn't a drug addict or alcoholic either. Things would be so much simpler if only he were.

He has a remarkable ability to win someone over to his side using pity. Pity! Like anyone with a reasonable mind would sympathize with a nearly 60 year old man who doesn’t have a pot to pee in, who is admittedly abusive, but there you have it.

Harvey Cleckley, a preeminent expert on Psychopaths, talks about how they accomplish this feat. Their unconscious manipulation triggers a nurturing instinct, especially in women, compelling them to protect what they feel is an “emotional infant.” If you haven't yet read “The Mask of Sanity” you can do so here for free.


One woman, who we shall call SDP (for sad, desperate, and pathetic), actually had the nerve to testify that the sociopath was a GREAT father- even though she had never seen him with our son except for once (his entire life) at dinner. She further testified that I was neglectful and allowed my child to run “out of control.” She also doesn’t know me- in the three years she had been friends with the sociopath, she met me once and exchanged less than 12 words with me. Hearsay.


After the initial trial, SDP had the audacity to send me an email complementing me on how well my son behaved and then asking me for the details of my son's life. The sociopath had never been involved- and he had no clue who his doctor was, what enrichment programs he was involved in, or even what time he went to bed. Yet SDP claimed to be advocating for MY child- one she didn't even know!

SDP advocates for the sociopath. Her attachment to him is pathetic. She too, is pushing 60 and I almost feel sorry for her, watching her prance around in 4” heels and skin tight jeans, trying to impress the sociopath with her “sexiness.” She is also married to someone who the sociopath claims is his “dear friend.” As I mentioned, I don’t know these people, other than their court appearances, but here is what the sociopath has told me about THEM:

  1. SDP has a HUGE butt and really fat ankles. He doesn't know how her husband can stand to see her naked because it has to be disgusting.
  2. SDP doesn't work, her kids are losers that don't work, but she CAN cook.
  3. SDP's husband is even more pathetic. He has no friends and had no life before the sociopath took him under his wing and introduced him to the joy of riding motorcycles.

 
Will SDP one day see past the sociopath's fake persona? Maybe. Followers tend to be terribly blind when confronted with solid evidence of treachery. Anyway, the irony is that sociopath's don't have “friends.” They have followers, but true friendship is lost to them (If you think you have a “friend” who is a sociopath- you are wrong. You can't be friends with a sociopath).

They choose people who are physiologically vulnerable and those who will fall for their BS. Sociopaths have relationships for one reason and one reason only- to get something. Whether it is money and toys or admiration and validation, they are takers- period.

Here is a great quote I read about Hungry Ghosts- it defines the sociopath perfectly:

“...not fully alive, always empty, always hungry, always seeking fulfillment but never able to fill the enormous void inside them.”

I may be the enemy now, but at least I am no longer tasked with the responsibility for feeding the sociopath.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Sociopath's Contempt for the Court and Everything Else


Well, Thanksgiving this year marked a special day in my calendar for more reasons than you might think. Not only was my beautiful son with me for the holiday, but it also marked my first offensive move against the sociopath.

Throughout my custody nightmare, I have been like a badly maintained outhouse: a place for the sociopath to take a dump whenever he feels spiteful. It is starting to stink in here and I am sick of it. I filed a criminal contempt of the court order motion in court and asked for my parenting plan to be modified.


There are no less than 66 counts of contempt, in over 6 different catagories. I won't bore you with all of the details, but here are some of the better ones:

“...subsequent to the order dated January 10, 2012 the father has violated these provisions numerous times and is in contempt of this court's order”.

  • Father has demonstrated a pattern of conduct showing his inability and refusal to make joint decisions as court ordered. More specifically, father has blocked joint decision making with Mother on at least eight (8) different occasions as set forth below:
    • December 25, 2011 father refused to allow child to continue counseling, stating he is in charge now.
    • January 1, 2012 Father informed mother she is not allowed to have a say in educational decisions. Father further elaborated that the Judge doesn't trust Mother's ability to make decisions, so he gave Father custody.
    • March 12, 2012 Father unilaterally enrolled child in preschool and excluded mother from list of persons authorized to contact in the event of an emergency and persons allowed to pick child up from school.
    • July 11, 2012 Father took minor child to the health department for vaccines and wart removal without notification to mother.
    • August 3, 2012 Father showed up at kindergarten orientation (during mother's week) and told the teacher that he has custody and has all decision making authority. Father again excluded mother from list of contacts on enrollment forms.
    • September 18, 2012 Father refused to allow medical history of minor child completed by mother to be admitted into his file because he has custody and makes the decisions.
    • Father frequently limits or refuses telephone contact between mother and child, telling the child that the “court won't allow it.”
    • August 5th, 2012 Father told child mother was brainwashing him because child didn't want to go with father, then tells mother he has no respect for her that she ruined his life and is having an affair.
    • September 3, 2012 Father threw bag of child's medication at mother during exchange.
    • June 10, 2012 Father attempted to barter telephone contact between mother and child in exchange for putting father on mother's pool pass.

To prove contempt, I need to show the court evidence of the following:

  1. There is a court order in place CHECK
  2. The defendant knows about the order- CHECK
  3. The defendant has the ability to comply with the order- CHECK
  4. The defendant has not followed the order- CHECK


I am awaiting a trial date and it should be interesting to read his response. I am fairly certain he is aware of the charges. He had his roommate drive him to the exchange today, presumably to act as a witness at trial. I must say, tonight I feel empowered for the first time in a long time.

The judge who made the initial determination of custody also heard the lawsuit, the criminal assault on a witness, and the child support case. Now he will hear the contempt motion and request for modification too. In the mean time, child support court is coming up on December 3rd. I plan to ram it home that the sociopath committed fraud upon the court in regards to his income.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

Threats From Nimrod: Obey the Sociopath Or Else


Note: I removed everyone's real names to keep their identites hidden.

One thing that my case seems to have in common with that of others is that the sociopath's lawyer threatened me. This happened back in April. My attorney was able to shut him down- because EVERYTHING he states in this letter is a lie. We did not let this go unchallenged. Another example of just how unethical Nimrod is.

I am sending a copy of this letter to Mr. X because he asked me to copy him on it, although a decision has not been made as to whether or not he will be involved as trial council. I am sending a copy of this letter to Mrs. Y because she is still Samantha's attorney.
I am not sending this letter to convince anyone of anything, except what I plan to do. Mrs. Y and I see this case very differently, and she has told me that not only does she approve of the things that have taken place since the hearing, but on the afternoon of March 26 she said that “she would have done a whole lot more”.
I am, of course, referring to the following:

  1. Samantha has made two unfounded charges of molestation by sociopath. Both have been investigated y the Department of Children's Services and found to be untrue.
  2. Samantha's boyfriend made an unfounded criminal charge against the sociopath.
  3. Samantha has only attended one counseling session, which was set up with the counselor of her request.
  4. She has refused to take the child to the preschool program during her weeks.
As these things are happening, I am contemplating taking her back to court, bringing it to the attention of the court and asking that her visitation be drastically reduced, then forcing her to attend mediation. However, I feel it would be better if Samantha were alerted first, so that maybe some peace will come. One more charge to DCS, one more criminal charge, and if she doesn't start taking the child to preschool, then I WILL do as I have said.
I am not writing to ask you to agree, I know that Mrs. Y agrees with Samantha's conduct, and I guess at this point that is not relevant. I am merely asking you to pass this message along to Samantha.

Sincerely,
Nimrod

Here are the REAL facts:

1. I did not place two complaints to DCS about molestation. I filed ONE complaint after my son came home telling everyone his daddy pinched his “winky” and that daddy played a game with him telling him to “touch his winky so it didn't go down the drain".

I was explicit that I did not think it was for sexual gratification- that the sociopath has problems determining healthy boundaries. He sees nothing wrong with playing with his genitals. He doesn't want my son to grow up being “ashamed of his body”. The sociopath has a history if admittedly pinching my son to hurt him, so I am sure this was more of the same. If the case worker assumed sexual abuse, well you can hardly blame her for jumping to that conclusion.

Similar issues were addressed at trial. The judge stated in his final order that my child does not need the sociopath to teach him to fondle himself.

I called because I was advised my my attorney that if I DID NOT report it and someone else does, I may be charged with Failure To Protect. In fact, DCS questioned ME extensively about what was wrong with ME- judges don't take kids away from fit single moms and award custody to men with mental health issues.

The charge was closed the next day as “unsubstantiated”. DCS had called the sociopath HOURS before showing up, giving him plenty of time to tell my son that she was coming to “steal” him and not to tell anything or he would kill her. Needless to say, my son didn't tell the children's advocate a damn thing.

2. I don't have a “boyfriend”. The criminal charge he is referring to was an assault against one of my friends, who was a witness in the case. Obviously, the charge was NOT unfounded, since the sociopath is now under a restraining order to stay away from this person. The case was not dismissed, it was retired for 11 months / 29 days pending the sociopaths compliance.

3. I attended three of the mandated joint counseling sessions, after which the counselor himself canceled them. He said there was no benefit to continuing and that there was no way for me to work with the sociopath, because of his severe communication boundaries. The counselor notified all of the attorneys of this fact in writing, which Nimrod received. Nor did I select the counselor. I agreed to their recommendations because if I didn't they were going to ask the judge to select him anyway.

4. I did refuse to take my son to preschool during my weeks. The sociopath unilaterally enrolled him, telling me I had no description making, five weeks before the end of the year. My son was traumatized enough over being away from his mother. I had been homeschooling him (he was only 4 years old). Even the teachers commented that the sociopath was using the Pre-K program as a free baby sitter and a means of keeping the child away from his mother.

Nimrod never pursued any of these things, but he sure didn't blink an eye at threatening me. Of course, a bully likes an easy target. I pushed back and he decided it wasn't worth the effort. I will never comply with threats and I will no longer allow the lies to stand unchallenged.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Expressing Grattitude to the Army of Warriors Fighting the Sociopath




Find something to be THANKFUL about!

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I have noticed that some of my Facebook friends have begun posting statuses related to being thankful. For a survivor of a sociopath, it can be tough to see through the murky waters and find the good in our lives. Yet, it is there and often in abundance. We just forget to acknowledge it.

Despite the agony of my custody situation, I also have much to be grateful for. Throughout my fight, I have remained blessed. During my darkest hours, I have angels that have faithfully supported me. So, I want to take the opportunity to share with you some of the best people in my life. They are the army that fights by my side.

I am grateful for:

My Son:

He is a wonderful little person and is the best thing I have ever done.

I am so grateful that despite losing the first custody fight I was awarded shared custody. Too many moms wind up with every other weekend or supervised visitation. It is far better to have my son every other week. My son has the opportunity to be with a healthy parent, if only for 50% of the time.

My Friends:

I have some amazing friends. Along this journey, I learned to tell the difference between who was a genuine friend and who wasn't. I ditched the fakers. I learned that those who stuck by me have solid gold hearts and can be counted on no matter what. They are always there for me, win or lose. You can't buy that kind of loyalty- it is a gift.

My Family:

Throughout my life, my family has never been especially close. We have always been geographically distanced and enmeshed in our own lives. I never saw them as a support system. But when I needed them, they came running. I never had to ask. They were just there. Facing evil has brought us closer and I am grateful.

My Counselor:

I have the world's best counselor. She doesn't know it, but she is a gift from God. Without her, I don't know that I would have seen through the mask of the sociopath nearly so quickly or so completely. She is one smart lady, with a beautiful soul. She has given me countless hours of support; far more than what she has been paid for. I am grateful.

My Attorneys:

This may seem strange to you, since I lost both my initial custody case and my appeal. Too often, I think we blame our own shortcomings on our lawyers. I know I placed a huge burden on my primary attorney's shoulders. Yet, she has been a ruthless avenger. She was so personally appalled at what has happened. This case hurt her, yet she continues to advocate and fight for my son. She is a warrior and she doesn't know it. One day she will be an amazing judge; a voice for Tennessee's children in the court system.

My appellate attorney taught me a lot about the law and legal strategy. He taught me to stand up against unethical attorneys and that there is more than one way to skin a cat. He taught me to never let a lie go unchallenged and to keep fighting. He is not a softhearted person. He is sneaky and ruthless; abrupt to the point of being semi rude sometimes. From him, I learned how to be an effective warrior. The truth may be slow at being revealed, but if I don't quit it will come to light.

You:

Without the support of moms like you, my fight would be a lonely one. It is both appalling and helpful to know that I am not alone. I share your pain, and I hope to share in your triumph. Sociopathy is a devastating disorder. Together, we are gaining public awareness on how common this disorder is and learning better ways to protect our children. Thank you. I am grateful.




Saturday, November 10, 2012

Sex with a Sociopath? What the Hell Was I Thinking?

His approach in seduction is through pity.



It never fails- I walk into my attorney's office, exchange pleasantries, and out pops the question that everyone is dying to know, “What the hell were you thinking when you picked this moron to have a child with?”

That is always followed up by, “All I can say is that the sex must have been great”!
Here's the truth:

  1. He's not handsome (although he used to be when he was young)
  2. He's not rich
  3. He's not a good person
  4. He stinks- literally- like something dead
  5. He doesn't dress well
  6. The sex wasn't great

If you think I am being harsh or petty- well, let's just say you don't know my ex. When you are 20 years old and look like Antonio Banderas, you can get away with not taking a bath for a few days. When you are pushing 60 years old- it's just gross.

I struggled for a long time trying to figure out what my attraction was to this man. In my heart, I know that I was a sucker for rescues. That has worked to my detriment in the past. The sociopath had a good sob story about being abandoned as a child and mistreated growing up. I felt sorry for him. He had no one to love him. But I had never understood why, until recently.

A lot of people think that sociopaths have a super human ability to attract women (and they do). Naturally, this observation often leads to an assumption that the sociopath has amazing powers in bed; a sexual prowess. Not in my case. In fact, the sociopath talked about sex a lot and bragged on his sexual ability, but in reality he had a very low sex drive.

This weekend I had the opportunity to read “The Mask of Sanity- An Attempt to Clarify Some Issues AboutThe So-Called Psychopathic Personality” by Hervey Cleckley, PhD. It opened my eyes, oh so much. I thought my sociopath was just a little different from other sociopaths. It turns out he is exactly like those described in the book.

Cleckley's Answers on why a sociopath is a chick magnet:


“His ability to alarm and to draw out protective impulses in women is remarkable. Superficially he gives the impression when with them of a dashing and somewhat predatory male. He is not entirely without ambition as a lover and actually seduces some of his protectresses. His approach in seduction is, however, nearly always through pity.
 
This case well portrays the astonishing power that nearly all psychopaths and part-psychopaths have to win and to bind forever the devotion of woman. Because of this they are often regarded as vigorous or romantic lovers, as men of peculiar virility. I believe, however, that they are seldom as well endowed in this way as the average man.
 
Feminine intuition senses that here, concealed beneath an appearance of maturity, is a baby or something very much like a helpless, crying little baby. Her deep instincts to nurse and to protect this winsome little darling are unconsciously called out. The superficial relationship of woman to her lover conceals this fundamental urge. She longs to take this defenseless creature, hold him to her breast, guard him, shape him, and let him grow up under her protection. Her feminine intuition, which so accurately divines the presence of the spiritual baby, fails, alas, to understand that it is a baby who will never grow up.”

Ding ding ding ding ding! No more pity relationships- never ever again!
 
p.s. The link takes you directly to the book, which you can read for free

Thursday, November 8, 2012

A Sociopaths Primer on Entertaining Children: Violence and Antisocial Behavior





If you asked me to choose, I would have a hard time telling you what annoys me the most about the sociopath's parenting style. Aside from the true horrors of what is being done to my son, there is a whole slew of smaller things that I can't stand. It would be great material for a book, “How to Be the World's Worst Father EVER”.
 
Today, my concerns center around what he thinks is appropriate entertainment for my son. Let's just say if the show has violence, he is going to tell my son to watch it. Last weeks lineup in his evening itinerary is:

  • Halloween (1 thru 100)
  • Walking Dead
  • Sons of Anarchy
Now, I love a good zombie story as much as the next person. I can't wait to see what happens this season on Walking Dead. BUT I don't let my 5 year old watch it and I don't watch it where my child can see it.

Oh, I can hear Nimrod (sociopath's child custody lawyer) now, yelling to the rooftops,”You see Your Honor, she will nit pick him to death. Nothing he does will ever be good enough! Complaining about him watching TV, for Pete's sake”

And, you may agree with him that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with allowing a 5 yr old boy to watch some of television's most gruesome moments.

Here's the caveat: my ex has Antisocial Personality Disorder. My son is at risk for developing the same thing. Violence on television DOES have an impact on him. The American Academy of Pediatrics released a study that found that boys between the ages of 3 – 5 who viewed this type of content were more likely to be aggressive and engage in antisocial behavior at 7 – 10 years of age.

Here is the link to the study:


It just serves as a subtle reminder that when it comes to fighting for my child, even ordinary everyday things can be a tool for the sociopath.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Why a Mental Health Evaluation May Not Help Your Child Custody Battle With a Sociopath



When my attorney shared my ex's mental health evaluation with me, I could see she was happy. The psychiatrist pretty much made the case for her. Diagnosis? Antisocial Personality (sociopathy). The treatment recommendation? Supervised visitation with our son and at least a year of therapy before implementing unsupervised contact.

The psychologist sated that father needed to be able to “demonstrate basic skills in keeping (the child) safe, to grasp his importance as a role model, to manage conflict without violence, as well as model socially and culturally appropriate behaviors.” Father further needs to see a psychotherapist who can make ongoing recommendations for at least a year. He pointed out that these traits are not easily undone and it was going to take time to learn to behave appropriately and develop insight.

The sociopath did not produce any mental health experts to rebut this testimony. It was admitted into the record and the written report became evidence. The judge made no comments other than to ask how long the father needed supervision. As most of you know, the sociopath was awarded shared custody anyway and designated as the Primary Residential Parent (note: in my case, this designation is only relevant as it applies to the burden of proof needed for requesting a modification of the order. We are equally divided, in a true 50/50 arrangement).

Can I Prove He Is a Sociopath?

 I get a lot of questions about whether or not I think it is beneficial to ask for a sociopath to be evaluated in a custody situation. My answer is always that it depends. Clearly in my case, we wasted the money it cost to have him testify. However, it depends a lot on the judge who is hearing your case. My belief is that I would not go through this process again. At least some of the attorneys I have talked to agree. Here's why:
  • Judges are not mental health professionals. They do not understand what sociopathy is and they are not likely to get it with a one hour lecture. Sociopathy is fairly rare. Estimates have placed the occurrence rate somewhere between one and three percent of the population. It took us, their victims, years to understand what was going on and we lived with it.
  • You most likely NOT going to get a full diagnosis. Most evaluators are reluctant to diagnosis sociopathy without extensive evidence. Sociopaths are also skilled liars and manipulators. I am not sure that ex would have been diagnosed if it were not for one little thing: he was caught red handed lying to the evaluator.
I had put together a list of specific concerns that I had about the sociopath. I tried to be very fair so I never mentioned the abuse that I had suffered... only harmful behaviors done to my child (I was a little more naive back then and now I wished I had told everything). I also included a print out from the county courthouse of his 4 page arrest record and photographs of marks he left on our 3 year old sons back from hitting him.

When the evaluator asked him if he had a criminal record, he said no. When confronted with hard proof, the sociopath tried to back peddle and came clean. But the damage was done. The psychologist knew he was lying and trying to present himself in an overly favorable manner.
 
  • The evaluation can be used against you. If a judge orders you to undergo an evaluation also, it may shed a negative light on some aspects of your personality. I wasn't worried about this because I felt confident I would have no problem. It turned out to not be an issue because the ex didn't ask for me to be evaluated. However, it is a fact that all of us who have survived a sociopath's abuse have issues. It effected us profoundly.
We have endured terrorism and we have developed some type of coping mechanism for it. The mental fog, the way we question our perceptions of reality,and the way we become hyper-vigilant are all things that might cause a problem on a standardized test. Yes, these things are a normal part of experiencing trauma, but do you really want to have to argue that fact to a judge?

Also, even if we have recovered in time for an evaluation we often have PTSD symptoms just from the stress of litigation. On the other hand, the sociopath thrives on the conflict so he will have the upper hand while we are sweating, shaking, and want to vomit.
Better Strategy
 

What I think would be a better strategy is to paint a picture of sociopathic behaviors for the judge and then tie that together with how it impacts the child. For example, say the sociopath calls you nasty names and throws stuff at you during exchanges. This is bad for the child in two ways: emotional distress over the conflict and in being an inappropriate role model for managing anger. Excluding you on decision making, neglecting the children, dressing them inappropriately for school, and neglecting their supervision or hygiene are also other red flags.

Just be certain that you have good proof to back up your testimony. Assume right off the bat that no judge is going to believe you. Journals, recordings, photographs, and witnesses are the best way to do this. Keep a log and document EVERYTHING, then notate any evidence you have beside the incident. Research “Cluster B” personality traits to help you sort through what is relevant and what isn't.

I do think expert testimony is critical- but NOT for the purpose of proving that your ex is a sociopath. Instead think about hiring a psychologist to testify about how your child can be damaged by this type of behavior. Explain to the judge why the sociopath is harmful.

At The End of The Day

Evaluations? Not so helpful. Sociopathic behavior? Very relevant, if you can prove it.


Child Support Court Reset Again



Well, Monday marked my fourth appearance in child support court. The sociopath has been fighting like hell to have his child support obligation removed. In the latest round of paperwork, his new attorney provided me with an "Annualized Estimate of Earnings for 2012."

Basically, it is just last years income tax return with the numbers scratched out and new figures handwritten beside it. What a joke. The most significant information that it reveals is that my ex is reporting a net income of $16,840 for 2012. Let's see, that would amount to a $34,000 difference from what he so earnestly testified to at trial.

Since I am contesting the child support modification, it has to be heard by a judge. It just so happens to be the same judge that heard the inital custody case. Right now, he is on some kind of vacation. So, the case has been reset again for a hearing December 3rd. The sociopath has committed blantant fraud upon the court -but I just wonder if the judge will acknowledge that fact.

Quick history for those of you who don't know:

 In a previous post, I shared the actual testimony that was given at trial. The judge questioned him about whether or not he know the difference between net and gross. We all had to sit through Nimrod's (the sociopaths lawyer at custody trial) theatrical story telling as a means of illustrating how net differs from gross. The judge made a finding of fact that the sociopath's earning capacity was $50000 / year based on his sworn statements.

A few weeks after this testimony, the sociopath filed for a modification of his earning capacity- stating his business had "declined". I filed a notice of appeal on the custody ruling. Nimrod and the sociopath continued to argue that his earning capacity was $50,000 in the appellate court. Simultaneously, he argued (and IS arguing) it was around $16,000 in child support court.






 

It Takes a Village to Fight Story # 1 : A Mothers Fight Against Corruption

You know that saying, "It takes a Village...?" Well, I believe that it is going to take all of our voices to bring change to the family court system and protect our children. None of us are alone. By sharing our stories, we encourage others to heal and inspire them to keep fighting. My heart goes out to each one of you and to your children.  Just maybe- if we all refuse to shut up, refuse to back down- then someone will hear our message.
 
 
 

A Mothers Fight Against Corruption: 1/2 of my HEART is healed: I do not even know where to begin. Other than shouting from the rooftops that "JOZIE IS COMING HOME TO ME!!!!!!" God is so good. This I beli...


If you would like to have your story published on It Takes A Village, then please email me at wordfusion@rocketmail.com Stories should be 600 words or less. Your identity will remain
anonymous, unless you choose to include it.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Some of the Best Advice I Ever Read Regarding Co-Parenting with Sociopaths

This is a summary of all of the different tips I have read on co-parenting with a sociopath. For me, every bit of this is true.


  1. Limit all contact with them. Obviously, if you have a child this is difficult to do but you can still set limits. Don't see the sociopath unless it is for parenting time exchanges. Don't talk to the sociopath. Communicate only in writing or through email. Don't let them come over to your house and ignore them if you see them in public.
  2. Never call them a sociopath except to those who already know it. This can and will be used against you.
  3. Expect them to try to gather supporters using sympathy. Sociopaths will use the children to accomplish this. Don't react to it.
  4. Don't believe a word they say. Sociopaths lie and manipulate to the extreme. Do not believe anything they say and don't let them suck you into their games.
  5. Show the court the conflict they cause and how this is detrimental to your child.
  6. Facilitate a relationship between the sociopath and the child so that you can show the court that you are not interfering in the other parents rights.
  7. Go to therapy and learn to control your emotions. Get support and start the recovery process. Transition from a victim into a warrior.
  8. Document everything that happens. Try to gather irrefutable and admissible evidence.
  9. A sociopaths weakness is that he doesn’t know how normal people feel. Use this to your advantage by feeding him false information. Let him think he is winning.
  10. Do everything in your power to raise an ethical and moral child. This is the ultimate prize.


Friday, November 2, 2012

K.I.S.S. And Tell: Fight a Sociopath and Win!


 


I have to laugh every time I check my analytic's page. Especially the keyword phrases that people use when searching for information on co parenting with a sociopath. Don't misunderstand- I'm not laughing AT them. I am laughing at the absurdity of the fact that ANY of us are having to learn how to co-parent with a bonafide sociopath. Unbelievable.

That being said, I have personally been put through the ringer trying to figure out how to convince a judge that my ex is a sociopath. You would think that a psychiatrist testifying to the fact would be enough. NOT.

I have worn the search engines out looking for information about how to beat one in court, how to win against them, how to protect my child from one, how to testify against one, how to explain ASPD to your attorney, and how to co-parent with one. The answers are hard to find.


Here is what I HAVE figured out about winning a battle against a sociopath: It is possible and it isn't that hard. I have developed a theory I call K.I.S.S and Tell. So, far it has been working for me. Here is how it works:


K.I.S.S. stands for Keep it Simple, Stupid. Sociopathy is hard to explain to someone who has never lived with it. The traits are not. Predicting the impact on a child isn't hard either.

Q: How do we tell a judge a sociopath is bad for a child? (Again, laughing... it is sooo wrong we should have to do this, duh!)

 A: Tell him about morality as a predictor for future criminality and values as an ability to instruct and inspire the child in preparation for becoming an asset to the community BUT don't throw a label onto your ex.

After all, aside from the abuse and neglect that our children must suffer now, our biggest concern is the impact a sociopath will have on their future. (I am not minimizing abuse and neglect, but I am avoiding it. Bringing this up in family court is an almost guaranteed way for a mother to lose custody- even if the sociopath admits to it and even if you can prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.)


If you run into court saying your ex is a sociopath and he tries to make you look crazy, then the judge WILL think you are crazy. The ex will snicker and laugh and say, “see, I told you she was nuts!” Emotionally detach yourself from your case. If you focus instead on proving a pattern of behaviors and painting a picture for how this will impact your child, you will come across as grounded. Judges like grounded.


I highly recommend the book “Teaching Right from Wrong – 40 Things You Can Do To Raise A Moral Child” by Arthur Dobrin. It is all about how to raise an ethical child- which a sociopath knows NOTHING about. It is also a valuable blueprint for telling a judge what your child needs and how you can do it better than a sociopath.

So, try to keep your case simple. Complicated equals confusion. Sociopaths thrive on confusion.

and tell. What is a sociopath's ONLY FEAR? The truth being revealed. Do tell about what has happened in your life and the hell that your child is going through. BUT be clear that you can separate the past from the future. The reality is that in the current court environment, you WILL be forced to co parent with the sociopath. If you suggest anything less you run the risk of losing your child to the sociopath completely.

I used to keep my mouth shut about the abuse. I was embarrassed. Now, I tell every chance I get. Once people hear it they start noticing things on their own. The sociopath hates it, which triggers his issues and causes him to make a fool out of himself. I made the mental shift from victim to survivor and people are starting to see through his act. Me telling has caused him to sabotage himself. He is not winning anymore.

I believe in K.I.S.S. And Tell because I tried it the other way and I LOST. Then I learned that I was not alone. Thousands of mothers and children go through this very thing. The more outraged against the injustice we become- the harder we fight to reveal the truth – the tighter the noose around our neck gets. In this way, we mothers have a LOT to learn from corrupt father's rights groups and perhaps from sociopaths as well.







Thursday, November 1, 2012

Can Sociopaths Love Their Children: Part 2 Sociopathic Love Isn't Love


In a previous post I talked about my confusion surrounding the issue of whether or not the sociopath loves my son as he claims. Needless to say, the topic sparked a lot of interest and I am clearly not the only one who has struggled with this question. So, here we go with Part 2 on this issue!

Calling someone a Narcissistic Sociopath is Redundant
 
 
All Sociopaths are Narcissistic


I received many emails from readers on this subject. They ask, “how it is possible for sociopaths to “love” when they lack a conscious and are unable to experience empathy?” This group does not believe it is possible.

Some argue that sociopaths do love- and hurt. They advocate that having a mental condition does not make the sociopath any less human. As humans, they deserve the compassion and empathy of society.

So what is the answer? Do sociopaths love their children? After a lot of research, I am of the opinion that the answer depends entirely upon on how you define love.

A sociopath is NOT capable of loving the same way that you and I do. We ( the “normals”) experience love as a strong emotional attachment for someone else. We value the person, hold them in high regard and work towards their well being. Love is more than an emotion, it is also an action.

Parental love has a biological basis, not that much different than the drive to eat. We need to form attachments so that we have a place in which we belong- sharing a home, raising children, and emotional security. From an evolutionary standpoint, without love our species would be threatened. Humans are dependent upon parents for care and nurturing. In turn, the parent ages and becomes vulnerable later in the child's life. Give and take.

For a sociopath, “love” is not defined by these standards. Instead, it focuses solely on their need to have someone attached to them- so that they can feel good. It is not about giving and receiving in mutual partnership. It is about only taking and never giving. Love for a sociopath is all about obtaining narcissistic “supply”.

Sociopaths have two dominant needs when it comes to “loving”- attention and validation.

Attention: Sociopaths are a bottomless pit of emptiness. They crave affection. They need admiration. Without this, they have no worth or meaning.

Validation: Sociopaths need people who agree with them. If you fail to do this, you will become the enemy and watch out.

The “supply” is any person who will feed them these things. The easiest supplies are children and those with low assertiveness and low self esteem. People who are overly kind and empathetic are good choices too. The sociopath will target them.

Sociopaths will react one of two ways when it comes to their own children: they will hate them because it reduces the availability of their narcissistic “supply” (mothers devote energy to their children, which the sociopath sees as the child stealing from them) OR they will try to gain their narcissistic “supply” from their children.

The supply-seeking sociopath may be very loyal to their children and very proud of them. They will profess their love over and over. BUT they do not really love them. It is no different than the pleasure a child may get from a new toy. Children are props- the same as any other possession- AND they are easy targets.

In reality, sociopaths are not loyal to anyone but themselves. They lie and manipulate with ease. NO- they do not LOVE their children because sociopathic love isn't love. Like everything else a sociopath does, it is selfish, consuming and destructive.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Shut Up is A Good Word and Other Parenting Lessons From a Sociopath



Recently, I had the unfortunate opportunity to be present while the sociopath attempted to indoctrinate our son on his sick and twisted belief system. Of course, these lessons are always given in a place where he doesn't think he will be overheard. Except for me. He knows the only sure fire way to get under my skin is to threaten the well-being of my child.

In general, people suffering with Antisocial Personality disorder are maladaptive. It is like their mental development comes to a screeching halt somewhere between four and seven years old. They are never able to process the world through the lens of an adult mind. Scientists attribute this phenomena to a genetic fault in frontal lobe brain development. It is also passed down through the environment that a child lives in.

It is interesting to note that the sociopath has recently learned that his beliefs are not tolerated by mainstream society. So while he remains maladaptive, he is not completely unable to adapt if he has to. Like most sociopaths, he has learned to fake it. Sometimes he carries it off extremely well, and other times an astute person will catch him. It is really pathetic when our five year old son catches him.

Here are a few choice quotes from the sociopath on how to parent a child:

 
  1. “Shut up is a good word. It is okay to tell people to shut up. Pissed Off is not a bad word. Its okay for you to say pissed off.”
  2. “Your mother is a bitch. There is nothing wrong with saying that- it means female dog.”
  3. “If anyone tries to hurt you- you kill them. I will show you one day. You take a pocketknife, cut their fat tummy open and spill their intestines right here on the kitchen floor. I'll tell you what- no one will ever try to hurt you again once they know what will happen to them.”
  4. “Church people are all weak. They are nice to you because they want you to be weak too. That is why they try to teach you fairy tales, son. There is no God.”
  5. “When you get older you are going to bang a lot of chicks. Remember, that is what girls are really for. Don't let one trick you into thinking otherwise.”
  6. “Always wear a condom, son. I will show you how to use it. When you are finished with it, I will teach you to put hot sauce in it so some girl doesn’t try to steal your stuff and get herself pregnant.”
  7. “Fat people are disgusting. Remember that. They are lazy and stupid and weird and gross. That is why you can't eat much. You can never let yourself get fat. Fat is for losers.”
  8. “People from Tennessee are stupid, fat, uneducated, ugly hillbillies with no teeth. We are not going to live in Tennessee forever. I am going to get you out of here one day. “
  9. “You stay away from Santa Claus. He is a fat pervert who hurts little boys. He is scary.”
  10. “I am going to teach you how to be a man, son- strong. Your mother and her friends want you to be a girl- weak. Don't let them make you into a girl.”

There is little I can do to stop the indoctrination of hate messages. What I CAN do however, is aggressively teach my son that this type of behavior is wrong. I NEVER say, "your father is bad for telling you things." I say that the behavior itself is wrong. Hurting people is WRONG. Lying is WRONG.

And guess what? My five year old may be terribly confused about “the rules” right now, but he is getting some of it. In fact, his insight blows me away. His father took him to the pediatrician a couple of months ago and the doctor discussed child safety with the sociopath. The topic? Riding on motorcycles. Now, I realize that there are a lot of people who don't think that it is wrong for a five year old to be on the back of a motorcycle. That argument is completely irrelevant.


What does matter though is that the American Academy of Pediatrics strongly states that a five year old does not posses the necessary skills developmentally to be a motorcycle passenger. Of course, the sociopath does put him on his bike (and without a helmet) simply because he knows I can't stand it.

What is funny though is that when the pediatrician confronted the sociopath about doing this, he lied (of course he did, right). My son was there. He came home to tell me, “mommy, did you know that my daddy is a liar?”

Ugh, well yeah- but I can't tell my five year old that.

So the parenting lesson today is:

If you are fat, a mother, a church member, believe in God or Santa Claus, a woman, live in Tennessee, or believe it is wrong to teach children to swear then you are a loser in the eyes of a sociopath. I don't know about you, but in this case THANK GOD I AM A LOSER!








Monday, October 15, 2012

How a Sociopath Defines 'Roughly' in Child Support Court


Today I spent a little over four hours sitting in child support court. Why, you may be wondering, am I in child support court? Well, the sociopath' s first step in revenge was to take custody of our son. He came close, getting a 50% time share. Next, he wanted to eliminate his child support obligation. So, what does he do? Well, he lies, of course. After all, that is what sociopaths do best.


Define: Roughly

At the trial in December, the judge made finding of fact regarding both parties earning capacity. What follows is an excerpt from the actual court transcript:
 
Nimrod (sociopath's lawyer for those who missed the previous post): How much do you think you are going to report this year for income? I don't mean gross income, I mean net income.
Sociopath: Roughly- this year was slower than last- about $50,000
Nimrod: So you are going to net out $50,000?
Sociopath: Yes, roughly.
The Judge: Now you do know the difference between net and gross, right?
Sociopath: Yes
Nimrod: We had a merchant here and I asked him what kind of Christmas he was having and he said, “it would be a good one if not for expenses” So you do understand that...
Sociopath: Yes
Nimrod: So you would put in your pocket and pay taxes on $50,000?
Sociopath: Yes

'Roughly' six weeks later the sociopath files for a child support modification. He now claims his gross is only $36,000 and his net is $13,000. My attorney argues that the modification should be postponed because the Appellate Court has jurisdiction over the case. In the appeal, he is arguing his gross is $50,000 annually. You can't argue a competing set of facts in two ongoing cases.

Anyway, the child support hearing was postponed until today. When confronted about his lies, the sociopath claims he was mistaken about what he thought he earned. Apparently, the sociopath thinks 'roughly' means a guess between $13,000 and $50,000. Gee, wish I had known that secret formula when my income was imputed.

Here is the deal- he hired a new lawyer to represent him at the hearing. He is currently paying $100.15 per week in child support. He believes he should pay nothing. When his new lawyer finds out about the existence of the above testimony, he tells him that it would be more reasonable to offer to pay me something... so he offers $30 a week. Yeah, right. I know how to calculate income shares too.

I offered to agree to $70 a week (which is within $3 of being the correct amount), plus he has to reimburse me for half of the medical and extra-curricular activities expenses (which he hasn't paid).
He declined my offer. So, back to court we go for a hearing in front of the custody judge to determine what amount of child support he has to pay. The case has been reset for November 5th- 'roughly'.  I imagine that the state's attorney has to be shaking her head in disbelief.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Corruption in Family Court Exposed: Verdict in whistleblower’s historic case exposes the flaws of an unregulated legal system



For Immediate Release: For info, contact:

October 12, 2012 Emily Gallup 530-559-0101



Jury Finds Nevada County Superior Court Guilty of Retaliation

Verdict in whistleblower’s historic case exposes the flaws of an unregulated legal system



SACRAMENTO, CA – Former family court mediator Emily Gallup prevailed today in an

historic wrongful termination lawsuit against the Nevada County Superior Court (NCSC). After

three days of deliberation, a Sacramento jury found NCSC guilty of retaliating against Ms.

Gallup, awarding her $313,000 for the financial and emotional damages she incurred. Gallup was

represented by M.Catherine Jones and George Allen in the four week trial.

“This verdict should serve as a wakeup call to family courts across America,” said Gallup.

“Children cannot be treated like widgets and shoved through the family court machine. Laws

protecting the best interests of children must be followed.”

Gallup alleged during the trial that her department failed to comply with the California Rules of

Court. She reported that family court mediators were making recommendations about child

custody without reviewing court files, gathering collateral information, or checking parents’

criminal backgrounds. She explained to jurors that domestic violence (DV) victims were

routinely not offered separate mediation sessions as required by law. Trial witnesses testified that

parents were subjected to a variety of coercive tactics by Judge Julie McManus and court

mediators, including threats that their children might commit suicide if they failed to reach a

mediated agreement.

“Children’s health and safety were being compromised,” Gallup states. “I was being told to do

what I was told, and I just couldn’t do that in good conscience. I wasn’t willing to blindly follow

misguided orders,” Gallup explains, “even if they came from a judge.”

It has been a long road for Gallup toward today’s decision. She originally discussed her

compliance concerns with her supervisor, the family court judge, the human resources director,

and the Court Executive Officer. She called the Administrative Office of the Courts (AOC) for

help in April of 2010 but learned that the AOC was not authorized to enforce individual court’s

compliance with the law. Gallup filed a grievance against her department at that time, and an

arbitration hearing occurred in September of 2010. NCSC terminated Gallup in December 2010,



]



495 Miller Avenue, Suite 304 ~ Mill Valley, CA ~ 94941 ~ 415-388-9600

info@centerforjudicialexcellence.org



prior to the issuance of the arbitrator’s award. The arbitrator found in Gallup’s favor, ruling that

she had raised concerns in good faith, and that her efforts had been met with retaliation. In

addition to awarding Gallup back pay and attorney’s fees, the arbitrator ordered an audit of the

Nevada County Family Court Services Department. NCSC subsequently had the arbitration

award vacated on the grounds that the arbitrator overstepped his authority by ordering an audit.

“There is a shocking lack of oversight over the judicial system,” Gallup said.

She has joined forces with the Center for Judicial Excellence and the California Protective

Parents Association to lobby for reforms that will bring accountability to the family court

system. Gallup expects that problems in the family court system will persist until judges and

other court officials are held accountable for following the law.

###

My Sociopath Lives in Dimension X and The Truth is Subject to Reality Quakes


Everybody lies from time to time. Sometimes it is to spare the feelings of a loved one, sometimes to protect ourselves and sometimes because it is just easier than explaining the truth. While everyone may occasionally lie, most people have remorse for it. It is the instant guilty pang we experience when we know we are not being true to ourselves.

When the sociopath or narcissist lies, they don't feel guilty. It is such a normal part of the routine that it rolls off of their tongue with ease. If you catch them with proof of their lie, they don't blink an eye. Another fabricated story is waiting in the wings- and it is usually one that makes you feel crazy. How do they do this?

The best way that I can explain it is to use an analogy. My son has a favorite book called “I Left My Sneakers in Dimension X.” It is about a young boy who is trapped in an alternate reality with monster aliens. Things in dimension x are strange and reality is subject to change at any given moment . They call this a “Reality Quake.” It is similar to an earthquake on Earth. Monsters and humans may shrink, grow, turn into plants, or other weird objects. The walls become the floor and the floor becomes the ceiling.

Once the Reality Quake is over, things go back to normal- most of the time. Occasionally, if the quake is a bad one, you can get stuck as whatever you turned into. This is the modus operandi for a sociopath. In the first stages of what psychologists call “gas lighting,” you notice that things seem a bit off. The sociopath does something weird but offers an explanation for his behavior.

If we really stretch our imagination, we can see how his explanation may be plausible. Then we write it off as being an odd quirk and we forget about it. In reality, this is a huge red flag. Whatever odd thing the sociopath did was not a normal or acceptable response. Yet we give him the benefit of the doubt.

The second phase involves self defense. We recognize that the sociopath's version of reality is not true, so we confront him about it. He once again offers an explanation, but it is usually one that makes it our fault. “I am sorry that you took what I said the wrong way. You are so sensitive and defensive. I think you may have low self esteem- you should work on that.” Of course, the conversation is circular: it never actually addresses your question and keeps going to back to how it is your own fault.

Our response is to start defending our feelings as being rational and justified. We can't stand that our partner see us in the light he has portrayed us in- and we can't convince him he is wrong- so we work even harder at fixing our perceived flaws. Over time, we lose the ability to see anything that is wrong in our relationship unless it relates to something that the sociopath says we are doing wrong.

Here are 5 signs that you have been “gas lighted”:

  1. You are constantly questioning reality. The sociopath offers plausible explanations that insinuate the real problem is with how you see a situation- not the situation itself.
  2. You question yourself- Am I too sensitive? Is he right about what he says?
  3. Your gut tells you something is wrong, but you can't pinpoint exactly what it is.
  4. You withhold details and information from your close friends and family so that you don't have to explain weird things.
  5. You start lying to yourself or others in order to explain the Reality Quakes in a normal way.

    Here is reality: You are in a relationship with an emotional abuser. Gas lighting is his way of maintaining power and control. It is a tool of manipulation designed to prevent the sociopath from being accountable for his behavior. It places all blame squarely on the shoulder of his victims.